


The Trouble with Smegheads

by R_A_Butler96



Category: Red Dwarf, Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-26
Updated: 2015-05-26
Packaged: 2018-04-01 09:55:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4015354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/R_A_Butler96/pseuds/R_A_Butler96
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While searching through space in Starbug for derelict ships to pillage, the Boys from the Dwarf encounter a Constitution-class starship. Will they use their new found gift wisely or will they screw it up like always? If I had to wager on it, I'd reckon it'll be Rimmer who'll drop a clanger on this one. He's got smeg-for-brains, you know.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Trouble with Smegheads

In the vast, beautiful majesty of space, the stars were casting their twinkling light across the swaying splendorous color of the deep space nebulas. Amongst the silence that embraced the heavenly bodies, a piercing sound erupted through the celestial plane like a cacophonous choir. 

It was the high-pitched whine of Starbug's horn playing "La Cucaracha". Inside the cockpit, Lister and Cat were dancing to the jingle while Rimmer sat at his post with a grimace on his face.

 "I really can't believe you found a derelict with a time hole in it, spent a whole week in the 1970's and the only thing you came back with was a hand full of disco records and this insufferable horn", Rimmer exclaimed while sitting back in his chair with his arms crossed. 

 "Hey, I think it gives the ship some spice", Cat said while moving in rhythm with the horn, "God knows it could use it."

 "It wasn't a total loss, Rimmer", Lister replied, "We convinced those Jefferson Airplane guys to change their band's name after I showed them the psychedelic colors in Starbug's engines."   

 "That wasn't Jefferson Airplane, you twit", Rimmer retorted, "Those were coffee shop entrepreneurs who thought you were showing them a new brewing technique. One of them even got the name wrong and kept calling it Starbuck." 

Kryten smiled as he emerged from the doorway behind the cockpit with a pair of black underwear in his hands. 

 "Mr. Lister, you'll be pleased to hear that your underwear has been released from quarantine and contains no traces of parasites or radioactivity", Kryten stated handing the clothing over to Lister. 

"Parasites? Radioactivity?", Rimmer inquired with a sound of concern even though being a hologram made him immune to such things. 

 "It was for precautionary reasons only", Lister declared, "After being attacked by that giant, mutated pubic louse, I didn't want me underwear posin' some kind of security risk."

 "Now, just how bad could a pair of black underwear be?", Cat inquired as he steered the ship.

 "Well, for starters they used to be white", Lister revealed. 

 "You make me sick", Cat said with a look of disgust. 

 Just then a beeping sound came from the console behind Cat. Kryten took his position and scanned the panel's readout. On the display screen was a blip that signified a large object in the vicinity of Starbug's trajectory. From what Kryten could decipher, it was a uniquely-styled spacecraft with a hull number and designation across its bow. 

  "What is it, Kryten?", Lister asked looking out in space to see a tiny speck in the distance.

"It appears to be a vessel of some kind, baring the title NCC-1701 USS Enterprise. Its design and designation do not match any of the known entries stored in the computer. What we are looking at, sirs, is essentially...an alien ship." 

 "Aliens! I knew it", Rimmer shouted with a gleeful smile, "It's taken us only 3 million years of travelling through deep space and we've already made first contact with an alien life-form. In your face, SETI." 

 "I wouldn't start boogieing down to Magic Carpet Ride just yet, sir", Kryten said analyzing the data being processed on the console screen, "I only meant that it is a foreign craft with no prior identification within the Corps database. I was merely using a much more common turn-of-phrase to describe it."

 "Question?", Cat said with his hand raised in the air, "If you turn a phrase, do you have to use your blinker?"

 Everyone gave the Cat a dead-eyed stare.

 "What? I'm only trying to obey the laws of grammar", Cat admitted, "Haven't you ever heard of the grammar police?"

 After a period of space travel, Starbug approached the derelict vessel. As the group sailed over the saucer section and between the engine nacelles, they could see the ship was still operational. Towards the back of the ship they could see the hangar bay doors were open.

Cat flew Starbug around and leveled it out in order to land inside. The small green craft floated into the empty hangar and touched down in an area designated for shuttle craft.  
The group left Starbug and began exploring the ship. It quickly became apparent that no one was on board. Their long trek through the ship finally took them to the bridge where they discovered the control center. 

Kryten walked over to the science station while Rimmer headed toward communications. Cat looked around at all of the flashing buttons before finding his way to the helm. Lister stared at the bridge with an open mouth gape as he walked over to the Captain's chair and took a seat. 

 "This is unbelievable", Lister said as he surveyed the buttons on the armrests.

 "What is?", Rimmer inquired as he picked up a communications earpiece, "The fact that we're sitting on the bridge of a technologically advance ship from a potentially alien species who've clearly refined the art of space travel?"

 "No. This chair swivels back and forth when you press this button", Lister stated with a gleeful giggle as he moved the chair from side to side.  

 Cat was busy pressing buttons on the helm control panel but nothing was responding.

 "Man, I can't get anything to come up", Cat uttered while looking around for more buttons, "Just like that time I ate a tube of paste and didn't have hairballs for a month." 

 "Kryten, you having any luck?", Lister asked as he turned the chair toward the mechanoid. 

 "Indeed, sir. I have accessed the computer and found out that we are on a Federation starship that was on an exploration mission from Earth."

"A Federation from Earth", Rimmer said with a look of disdain, "I hope they aren't from the Forum of Federations. Last thing we need is a bunch of Canadians rink-ratting their way across the galaxy."

 "Um...no sir, a Federation of Planets", Kryten revealed, "It would appear that this ship is part of an alliance between worlds."

 "Do you have any info of what they were exploring before the crew went missin'?", Lister asked leaning towards Kryten as he shifted in the seat and crossed his legs. 

 "Yes sir, it would appear that they were investigating an alien race known as the Tholians just before the ship became entangled in some sort of giant web. Remarkable."

 "You've got to be kiddin' me", Lister proclaimed in disbelief, "Do you know what this means, Kryten?"

 "That we now have definitive proof that life exists elsewhere in the universe and the Fermi Paradox is a load of dried out, horse manure?"  

 "No. It means that there are spiders out there big enough to catch a whole space ship", Lister exclaimed looking out the view port, "I think I've just turned me underwear from black to brown."

 The Cat and Rimmer looked over at Lister with disgust on their faces. 

 "I wouldn't worry, sir", Kryten responded as he looked at the console screen, "These entries were recorded more than a century ago. It is doubtful that whatever attacked the crew is still around."

Cat stood up and began walking toward the elevator. 

 "Where do you think you're goin'?", Lister said turning the chair toward Cat.

 "I'm done clicking on buttons that don't do anything", Cat declared, "I'm going to go see if there is any stuff I can steal. Yeah, yeah, yeah."

 Cat screamed out as he danced up the stairs and into the turbolift. Rimmer was messing with the communications earpiece that he had put in his ear. 

 "I don't get it", Rimmer said trying to adjust the earpiece, "Why use such an oversized, futuristic earpiece that only one person can listen to? It would be much more practical for them to add speakers or something so everyone can hear the incoming messages. Are we supposed to just trust the word of a single crew mate? What if they become disgruntled during a tiff with a hostile force? Don't mind that laser bolt in your ass, the aliens are just saying hello."

 "You’re supposed to be able to rely on your crew, Rimmer", Lister said as he uncrossed his legs and hunched over resting his arms on his knees, "It's all a part of serving on a ship. You rely on each other like you're best mates. It's how people can get things done like building a starship and flying through space to encounter other species. You need to be able to work together as a group in order to achieve a goal bigger than one's self. It's human nature."

 "I once saw a group of monkeys work together to get a banana", Rimmer replied.

 "Well, yeah, but that's only because they copied us", Lister said      

 "Sirs, might I interject?", Kryten asked as he stared over at Lister.

 "Go on. What is it, Kryten?", Lister asked with a curious tone.

"It would appear there is another life form aboard this ship", Kryten admitted with concern welling up in his voice, "And it seems to be...hunting the Cat."

 The Cat was walking down a corridor when he came across a reflective metal panel. 

 "Well looky here", Cat said with a big toothy grin, "I may have just found the sexiest life form in the known universe. I might have to stick around and analyze its features. Oh, yeah!"

 Just then a door slid open down the hall and then closed.

 "Woah. What was that?", Cat said looking at his reflection, "Did you hear it too? I better go investigate. You hang here and stay sexy."

 The Cat walked flamboyantly down the hallway as he sniffed the air. He caught a whiff of something peculiar lingering in front of a door at the end of the hall. The door slid open revealing a pitch black room. 

 "Hello? Is there someone in here? Cause if there is, I've got to tell you, I can see in the dark, especially if there's a night-light."

 As the Cat stepped through the door, it closed behind him and locked. Something moved in the darkness. A figure lunged at the Cat causing him to let out a piercing howl of fear. Immediately afterward, silence fell over the room. 

 Lister, Kryten, and Rimmer had begun walking down the corridors in search of the Cat. During their hunt, Lister came across a futuristic pistol and handed it to Kryten for analysis. 

"This seems to be some sort of phase-modulated particle weapon", Kryten said looking at the controls of the device, "It has the capability of emitting a focused burst of energy that can subdue targets and even eradicate matter."

 "What else can it do?", Rimmer inquired looking genuinely curious at the device, "Can it transform things or freeze time?"

 "I'm afraid not, sir", Kryten said pointing to the controls, "There are only the two options. Stun or...um...kill."

 "Really?! Only two?", Rimmer exclaimed in disbelief, "I've seen hairdryers with more settings."

 Just then, the sound of footsteps came from the end of the hallway. Lister grabbed the phaser from Kryten as the individual neared the group. 

 "Stay back", Lister yelled as he pointed the weapon, "I've got a ray gun."

 The group was horrified to see what was coming towards them. It was Dwayne Dibbley dressed in a red operations shirt, black pants, a thick brown coat with plaid on the inside, and dopey sandals on his feet. 

 "Hello, gentlemen", Dwayne called out, "Long time no see. Tell me, have any of you seen my thermos?" 

 "Oh god", Lister uttered with grief, "What have they done to you, Cat?"

 "What's wrong?", Dwayne inquired with a smile causing his teeth to appear larger, "Except for a parched mouth, I'm perfectly fine."

"Where did you get that ridiculous getup?", Rimmer asked in a snarky tone.

 "I found it in one of the rooms", Dwayne replied as he pointed down the hall, "This place has all kinds of things to wear. There's even an old Nazi uniform in there, but, sadly, no thermos. It's not around here is it?"  

 "How did you become...transformed into your current state?", Kryten asked. 

 "I'm afraid I don't know, sir. One minute I'm standing in a dark room and this guy came at me. Next thing I know, I'm waking up in the hallway looking for my thermos. By the way, have you seen it, perhaps?"

 "No!", Lister, Rimmer, and Kryten aggressively said in unison. 

 "Ok, jeez", Dwayne uttered as he began walking away from the group, "Thank you, sirs. Thermos! Where are you?!"

  "What was all that about?", Rimmer asked looking back at Dwayne with a wide-eyed stare. 

 "I did that", a voice from down the hall said quietly.

 A man with short, curly hair, a tan colored, long sleeve turtle-neck sweater, and black pants came walking up to the group with his hands behind his back. He smiled as his glistening blue eyes scanned over the three men. 

 "My name is Charlie", the man said as he stopped several feet away, "What are you doing here?"

 "Why hello Charlie", Kryten responded as he motioned with his hands, "I'm Kryten, this is Mr. Dave Lister and this is Mr. Arnold Rimmer. We were passing by in our ship when we encountered yours floating alone in outer space. We...uh mean you no harm."

 "Yeah, sorry for barging in. We can get out of your hair if you could just turn our friend back to his original body", Lister stated pointing at Dwayne who was searching through rooms on the other end of the hall.     

 "I'm glad you're here", Charlie said walking closer, "What are you?"

 "Well, sir, I am a Series 4000 mechanoid, Mr. Rimmer is a hard-light hologram, and Mr. Lister is a human from Earth."

 "Human? I am human", Charlie said looking at his feet, "What about the other man you brought here? Is he human too?"  

 "What, you mean "Dwayne Dibbley"?", Lister asked in a sarcastic tone, "No, that's our Cat. At least he was until you turned him into the Duke of Dork.”

 "It was funny", Charlie responded with a wide smile, "Do you not think so?" 

 Charlie looked down and saw the phaser in Lister's hand.

 "Do you like war games?", Charlie asked with an almost childlike quality.

 "I like games and all but I've never really been the sort for war", Lister said looking curiously at Charlie. 

"Good. Then you will learn much", Charlie responded before making a highly unusual face that looked like he was cross-eyed and angry. 

 "What the hell is he doing?", Rimmer uttered, "Trying to sneak a peek at his forehead?" 

 "He appears to be suffering from constipation", Kryten responded while examining Charlie's strained face, "Or possibly some form of irritable bowel syndrome."

 Suddenly the group, including the Cat, was transported back to the bridge and was now wearing the proper Starfleet uniforms for their given stations. The Cat had reverted back to his typical, stylin' self and was now sitting at the helm wearing a gold shirt. Rimmer now sported a red operations uniform and had been placed at communications. Kryten was tightly crammed into a blue uniform and was returned to the science station. And Lister was, of course, wearing the Captain's green shirt and sitting you know where. 

 "What just happened?", Lister yelled out as he swiveled the chair to Kryten. 

 "It appears, sirs, we have been teleported back to the bridge and have been placed inside what appears to be...space pajamas. It's quite unsettling."   

 A beep erupted from the viewscreen just before Charlie appeared on it. 

 "This is my ship so you will play by my rules", Charlie said with a boyish smile, "If you can best your competition, you will be free to go. Failure will be met with death. These are war games, gentlemen, and as such, you need an enemy to battle." 

 Charlie made the constipated face before vanishing from the viewscreen just as a ship decloaked in front of the Enterprise. 

 "Kryten, man, what is that?", Lister yelled out pointing at the new vessel.

 "According to the ship's computer, that is a Klingon Bird-of-Prey", Kryten stated looking at the computer station screen, "It appears to be a warship of some kind equipped with photon torpedoes, disruptor cannons, deflector shields, and even a cloaking device."

 "In plain English, man, what does that mean?", Lister inquired with panic in his voice. 

 "It means, sir, that if we don't learn how to operate this ship in the next few minutes-and I curse myself for saying it-we're doomed."

 "Not if I can help it", Lister said swiveling the chair to Rimmer, "Rimmer, man, have we received any transmissions?"

 Rimmer was holding the earpiece away from his ear as loud, Klingon speech came booming through the receiver. 

 "Well, I'm not sure, really", Rimmer uttered with a look of disdain, "It sounds like they’re either talking or just aggressively clearing their throat."

 Suddenly the Enterprise shook as the Bird-of-Prey fired a disruptor blast across the bow of the ship.  

 "Ah man, now they're shooting at us!", Cat proclaimed with a nervous tone, "Why are they doing that?!"

 "I believe that was a warning shot, sir", Kryten responded, "In a normal space confrontation between two ships, the opposing side will often fire a round at a reduced intensity in order to caution the defending party that they are not wanted. We typically have about ten minutes to react before they resort to more lethal tactics."

 The Enterprise shook violently as it was struck by another, stronger disruptor blast. 

 "Or less time if the opposing side is a complete asshole", Kryten added after regaining his composure from the direct hit. 

 "Alright, Kryten", Lister said staring at the Bird-of-Prey, "If they've got deflector torpedoes and photon cannons, then what do we have?"

 "It appears we have forward phaser banks, deflector shields, and full complement of photon torpedoes."

 The Enterprise rocked with another strike causing terminals to explode.

 "Are the shields up?", Lister inquired turning the chair to Kryten.

 "Um..no sir. They are not", Kryten revealed. 

 "Well why not?", Lister shouted back.

 "Because the Captain hasn't made that order yet"

 "Jesus, Kryten!", Lister yelled out, "Put the shields up and put 'em up now!"

 "Y-Yes, sir", Kryten stuttered pressing a button for the shields, "Shields up!"

 "Alright then", Lister said as he swiveled the chair to face forward, "Which one of you can fire the phasers?"

"Why that would be me", Cat said enthusiastically as he found the firing button, "Good, cause I've been waiting to blow up something since that whole Dibbley crisis we just endured."

 "No killing, man", Lister said standing up and walking over to the helm, "We want to wound them only. See if you can aim at their weapon systems or something."

 Cat pressed down on the fire button, but nothing happened. 

 "Aw, man", the Cat called out, "These buttons still aren't working." 

 "Try firing a torpedo, you git", Rimmer shouted. 

 "Oh, yeah I almost forgot", Cat said as he pushed down on the appropriate button resulting in no response, "Aw, no, no, no. This is worse than that time I accidently pulled the little fuzzy ball off the end of my scratching-post spring. I still had both pieces, but it just wasn't the same." 

 "Um...sirs", Kryten interrupted, "It would seem, from the ship's schematics, that there is a completely separate room for phaser and torpedo operations. It's highly impractical, sirs, but with no crew there, we won't be able to use any of the ship's weapons."

 “I volunteer for the mission”, Rimmer said while standing at attention.

 “You what?”, Lister inquired with a befuddled expression.

 “I know I have a somewhat sorted past of buffoonery and general cowardice, but I want to take this opportunity to rectify my previous transgressions. Show you guys I'm a valuable member of the team.”

 “Rimmer, I don’t know what to say”, Lister commented, “I’ve never seen you take charge and be so…heroic.”

 “Well, Listy, sometimes it’s good to shake things up a bit, plus I just looked over the schematics as well. It turns out the room is near the escape pods. If anything goes wrong, I’ll be out of here quicker than Usain Bolt.”

 Rimmer began strolling towards the turbolift. The Enterprise continued to shake from the disruptor barrage. 

 "You smegger", Lister yelled out before pulling out a communicator, "Here. I found this in the chair. I think it's a walkie-talkie of some kind.

 Rimmer took the communicator and walked into the turbolift. Lister turned to Kryten.   

 "Kryten? What should we do until Rimmer gets down there?"

 "I suggest evasive maneuvers, sir"

"Alright then. Cat, take us out of their weapons range"

 "What part of none of these buttons work don't you understand?", Cat shot back trying to press the navigational controls. 

 "Perhaps you should try finding a master button or switch that initiates the navigation panel", Kryten uttered as the ship was struck again.

 "I've already pressed every button, the whole things dead", Cat said looking at Kryten just before turning around to the panel again, "See...oh."

 The Cat saw a button that said start. 

 "I found it!", Cat shouted with joy, "Here we go. Hold on to your space pajamas!"

 Cat turned the Enterprise around and began flying away. The Klingon ceased firing but began to follow slowly behind. 

 "How we doin', Kryten?", Lister inquired as the viewscreen switched to show the pursuing ship. 

 "We are ahead of them right now, sir, but they will be on us within a few minutes. That should give Mr. Rimmer time to get the weapons systems operational."

 "Speaking of Rimmer", Lister muttered as he pressed a communications button, "Lister to Smeghead. Come in Smeghead. What's your progress?"

 The speaker on the chair crackled to life and after a few seconds of labored breathing, Rimmer's nasaly voice came booming through. 

 "I...I can't reach the phaser control panel", Rimmer revealed while gasping for air although again being a hologram he didn't need such things.

 "What's goin' on, man?"

 "There's...creatures. Little furry creatures...everywhere. I opened the door to the weapons room and an ocean of hair balls came rushing at me."

 "Oh god!", the Cat responded, "That's one of my worst nightmares." 

  "They're making cooing sounds and multiplying faster than two rabbits hopped up on horny goat weed."   

 Another terminal blew out as the ship took a hit from the rear.

 "Come on, man", Lister bellowed into the speaker, "Little hairy vermin or not, we need a torpedo ready."

 " I can't...I can't reach the torpedoes either but I have an idea."

 After several moments of panting and a 'phew' at the end, Rimmer told Lister the "torpedo" was ready. 

 "Alright Cat, lock on and fire", Lister commanded pointing at the screen. 

 The Cat hit the button causing a huge blob to erupt from the tube. Over a hundred Tribbles came floating into view as they scattered out behind the Enterprise. The Klingon Bird-of-Prey immediately halted and began firing at the furry pests. The Enterprise sped away at full impulse. In the viewscreen, the group watched as the Klingon ship and the Tribbles suddenly disappeared into thin air. 

 "What is goin' on here?", Lister said putting his face into his hands.

 The turbolift doors opened as Rimmer stepped out. 

 "My god that was disturbing", Rimmer uttered with contempt.

 "How did you get back up here so fast?", Kryten questioned as he turned in his chair. 

"One minute I'm up to my eye balls in, what were essentially, giant, fuzzy testicles; the next I was in the lift on my way up. I tell you, it really brings a new meaning to the phrase "balls deep."  

 "That's it", Lister stated as he stood up out of the Captain's chair, "This place is way too weird. We need to get back to Starbug and high tail it out of here. This is just too much chaos for one guy to handle."

 Suddenly a man with silver eyes appeared at the front of the bridge wearing a gold long-sleeve uniform, and black pants. 

 "Chaos? I will show you chaos", the man said. 

 "What the...", Lister called out just before the helm control started sparking. 

 Cat ran away from the helm as the silver-eyed man began tearing it apart with his mind. Sparks flew out of the wires that now protruded from the panel.

 "Run!", Lister screamed as all the consoles starting blowing up around them.

 The boys all crammed into the turbolift and rode it down to the levels that lead to the hangar bay. A long hallway awaited them as they arrived. Plus some corridors and I think there's some stairs in there too. As the group ran down the first hallway they saw big red lettering sprawled across the wall that read "Love Mankind". 

 "Hippies? In deep space? Well that settles it; they're everywhere, aren't they?", Rimmer remarked with a sneer.  

 As the group passed by another hallway, two shirtless men wearing black pants jumped out and grabbed the Cat.

 "Oh no! Save me! Save me!", the Cat screamed as they pulled him into a nearby door. 

 Two women in just their bras and red skirts walked out to greet the Cat. 

 "Oh wait! Don't save me! Don't save me!", the Cat screamed as he allowed them to take him away. 

  "Cat! What are you doin', man?", Lister called out causing the two men to turn around and look at him. Swords suddenly appeared in their hands.

 "Oh, smeg" 

 "Well buh-bye Cat", Rimmer yelled out while trotting off, "It's been fun and all but we really must be going."

 Lister and Kryten followed behind the hologram. As they reached the end of the hallway, they saw more red lettered writing on the doors that read "Sinner Repent". 

 "Now hippies are one thing", Rimmer said commenting on the words, "But uptight, religious hippies? That's where I draw the line."

 The group pushed past the doors into a new hallway. They ran to the end without any problems. As they open the doors to the next hallway, a large hairy creature with beady eyes and a sucker-like mouth charged at the group; knocking them down. As the three men got up from the floor, they made a startling discover. There were now two Krytens.  

 "Well this is never good", Rimmer said looking at both mechanoids. 

 Both Krytens eyed each other suspiciously. 

 "It would seem we must identify which one of us is the intruder", one of the Kryten's stated as he calmly looked at the other Kryten. 

 "It would appear so. Quite a situation we have here, eh blockhead?", the other Kryten declared. 

 "Okay let's see", Lister said while rubbing his chin, "Alright. I've got it. What's me name? Me whole name?"

 "David Lister, sir", both Kryten's said in unison causing them to look at each other in surprise. 

 "Well that sure helped a whole lot", Rimmer uttered snidely, "You've already said your name before to that cross-eyed chap."

 "Oh. Right. Okay then, how about the name of the girl of me dreams?", Lister asked.

 "That would be Kristine Kochanski, sir", both Kryten's once again said in unison.  

 "This is getting us nowhere", Rimmer scoffed, "We need to think about this logically."

 "I have an idea", one Kryten said as he grabbed the other Kryten's head and pulled it off.

 As the faux-Kryten threw the head at the wall, Lister and Rimmer began backing away. The other Kryten's arms reverted back to their long and hairy state. His long greenish fingers held suckers that were reaching out for Lister. Kryten's body, the actual Kryten that is, grabbed his mismatched double and held him back. 

 "You need to go, sir, I will hold him back", Kryten's head yelled on the floor as his body struggled to control the beast. 

 "No, man, no", Lister called out as Rimmer pulled him through the double doors. 

 Lister pushed Rimmer aside and attempted to go back for Kryten, but the doors were now locked shut. He kicked on the door but it hurt his foot. Lister jumped up and down while holding his foot before setting it down. He let out a deep sigh as he joined Rimmer who was already running down the hall. 

 They reached the hangar bay and began heading for Starbug when Lister stopped running. He walked over to a nearby stack of containers and started furiously knocking them down. A box fell off the top of the pile causing several phaser pistols to fall onto the ground. 

 "We need to get out of here, Lister", Rimmer yelled with urgency, "There's nothing we can do."

 "I can't just leave them", Lister said looking down at the pistols, "And I'm not goin' to."

 Lister bent down and picked up two pistols. One in each hand, he began heading back down the hall. 

 "Well I guess I'm the lone survivor then, huh?", Rimmer muttered, "Yea me!"

 Rimmer ran into Starbug and started the engines. Within a few minutes he had Starbug up into the air and out of the hangar. As he flew away, he looked around the empty cockpit. He then turned on some classical music and began happily swaying to the song. As Starbug sped away, the Enterprise inexplicably fired a torpedo from its aft section. 

 As it neared Starbug, a beeping noise began emitting from the control panel. Rimmer didn't hear a thing as the torpedo hit the ship causing it to explode. Debris and large chunks of metal were flung out into to space. Amongst the wreckage was Rimmer, still functional and floating around in space as he flipped off the Enterprise. 

 Inside the ship, the red alert sirens were blaring from impending self-destruction. Lister made his way down the halls until he reached the locked doors. He pushed the kill button on each pistol and pointed them at the door.   

 "Kryten! Cat! I'm comin' for you!"

 Lister blasted a hole in the doors and then stepped through. In the hall on the other side, he witnessed a horrible sight. Kryten had been dismantled and pieces of him were laying everywhere. Lister picked up Kryten's head to see if he was still functional but, unfortunately he was damaged beyond repair. Lister placed the mechanoid's forehead to his before setting it down and running further down the hall.  

 In the next hallway, Lister came across the Cat who was lying against a wall and looked like he had aged sixty years. The Cat was barely breathing as Lister approached him. 

 "Cat, man, what...what have they done to you?"

 "Hey...I can't...can't complain", Cat said with shakiness in his voice, "Even...when I look ugly...I'm still...more attractive than you."  

"Just stop talkin', I'll get you outta here."

 "No...go to the...engine...", Cat uttered just before he died. 

 Lister hung his head as he placed his hand on the Cat's shoulder. After a moment of deep thought, Lister stood up and began angrily walking toward engineering. As he walked into the large room, Lister noticed another man standing in front of the dilithium chambers with his back to the door. The man had shiny black hair that was pulled into a ponytail while wearing a gold shirt with intricate designs and black pants. 

 As Lister approached, the man turned around revealing his handsome face. Lister held the pistols toward the man. 

 "Welcome, Mr. Lister", the man uttered extending his hand in invitation, "How has your fantasy been?"

 "My what?"

 "Your vacation simulation, of course? You came to me a desperate and bored man, looking for an adventure in space you wouldn't soon forget. Now, you seem full of energy and ready to seize the day. That is how we do things here at Fantasy Outpost. The thrills are real but the danger is not."

 Lister put his weapons down.

 "So what you're tellin' me is none of this is real and I'm on some kind of artificial vacation simulator." 

 "Precisely. In fact you aren't even standing here right now. You are in an AI chair that is projecting these images. While we already went over this when you began, sometimes the individuals who experience these fantasies become so immersed in the action that they forget they are only in a game." 

 "And my friends?"

 "They are perfectly safe and alive enjoying their own separate fantasies."

 "So what now?"

 "That depends on you. You can stay here and fight me for control of the ship before it self-destructs. We would become mortal enemies and wage war across the stars. Or you can simply wake up and rejoin your comrades. The choice is yours."

 Lister stood there for a few minutes and thought about it. He looked at the flashing red lights and thought of the events that unfolded. Even though he never thought he cared much for his companions, he realized that flying through space seemed less palatable without them by his side. He had made his decision. It was time to wake up. 

 "Alright then. How do I wake up?"

 "Just take a step out. Then take a step in. And finally touch the tip of your nose."

 "Are you kiddin' me? That sounds less like an escape plan and more like the hokey-pokey." 

 "I assure you, it is the only way out."

 Lister did the jig and suddenly a screen appeared in front of him with a large button that said quit. 

 "That's it! Congratulations and so long, Mr. Lister. Make sure you always choose Fantasy Outpost to fulfill all your fantasy needs."

 Lister pressed the button and everything went dark. He suddenly awoke in an AI chair with a bright light beaming down in his face. As his eyes adjusted, he could make out three blurry figures standing over him. 

 "Guys. It's great to see you. How long have I been out for?"

 "You've been asleep for far too long. Very naughty, indeed", Rimmer, the Cat, and Kryten said in unison, "Whatever will we do with you?"

 Lister opened his eyes all the way to see his three companions dressed in red-and-white checkered bonnets and dresses while holding Mr. Flibble puppets wearing the same attire. 

 "Ah smeg it all", Lister cried out.

 The End?

  

Lister's Log. Stardate...ah, who gives a smeg? 

Space. We are still alone in the so-called "final frontier". These are the continuing voyages of the Jupiter Mining ship, Red Dwarf. Its 3 million-year mission to not only reframe from exploring new life and new civilizations, but to avoid them at all costs. To cowardly stay within the designated space lanes and not go bounding off where  no man has gone before...you know what I mean, those back-roady places where the lanes aren't even paved anymore and locals leer at you as you drive by. Anyway. What else can I say but...here's to you, the Boys from the Dwarf. End transmission.

Additional: Look out Earth, the slime just hit Warp Factor 10.


End file.
